So, I was actually compelled to look at a magazine today (I know, a lost relic of the pre-digital age that still exists) while milling around in Walgreens. And what should catch my eye in Elle besides Katy Perry’s new spring permutation of cleavage?Just the obnoxiously italic, 80’s font of Bayer’s latest “Yaz” ad — but wait, it’s not Yaz, it’s… “Beyaz”? Srsly? You have got to be joking! You have to be an SNL parody of a Yaz ad. Oh no,wait, you’re real? You seriously think you can just add a syllable and I won’t notice?

For those of you who have never heard me complain about Yaz birth control — and I would be really surprised if you haven’t, because I’ve bitched a lot about it — aside from sounding like something you contract after a night of heavy drinking or from a skeezy gym towel, it contains the controversial progestin drospirenone, which has been shown to raise blood potassium levels and increase the risk of blood clots more than other progestins. There are beaucoup de lawsuits under way right now regarding its tendency to cause blood clots, strokes, heart attacks and gall bladder problems in otherwise healthy individuals.

If the FDA has failed us by allowing it to be sold in the first place, at least they’ve smacked Bayer with demands that it clean up its deceptive advertising; initial commercials implied that Yaz was a generic cure-all for female moodiness, and thankfully that did not fly. But of course, it’s not illegal for Bayer to run ad campaigns with cultural implications that annoy me — and the “Beyaz,”  shamelessly named, might-as-well-be-called Yaz 2.0 commercial, annoys me.

As far as advertising goes, this is a damn clever commercial. Here the women are, at the shopping mall of life. Are they going to buy grad school, a home, a trip to Paris, a baby? The modern woman has all these choices open to her, and Bayer wants you to associate Yaz 2.0 with those choices. Be a cool modern woman who has it all, be Yaz! Why should that annoy me, I guess, that’s just advertising…? Well, I think it’s during the shopping-for-men segment that I got a little pissed off.

Now, if you missed it, watch it again: right at :12 there is this moment where a woman is inspecting some men on a shelf. Okay, that part’s funny, especially if you pause it, because you can see a bunch of random guys… A preppy guy with a sweater tied around his shoulders, an African American soccer player with a fro, a random 80’s guy with a keyboard? And of course, the “desirable” man, a generically “cute” guy with, might I add, an incredibly ugly checkered shirt. The woman is obviously considering buying this man, and right as she moves to pick it up — another woman, more confident, strides up and takes it before the first woman has the chance.

So, the confident woman gets what she wants… But she also takes it away from others with a catty ‘tude? That’s part of being Yaz? Or is it just about buying things more quickly? Hurry, you better get on birth control before that other girl does, or stupid-checkered-shirt-boy will want to have more convenient sex with her first!

Ugh, Bayer! UGH!!!! Here is one Hayley Nasman, figuratively giving you the finger with this blog, for your incredibly insulting bull crap. UGH!!!!