I have this syndrome that compels me to thrust my opinion forward onto the internet whenever I’m dissatisfied about something in my personal life. It’s always something that I can’t solve, and I post as if somehow winning the agreement of random people on the internet fixes the problem — which it never does. I can make it sound as general as possible, but I am never fooling myself, nor anyone else, I imagine. These aren’t PSAs, these are personal complaints, and however well-worded (or not even well-worded) they are, they always have a certain unpalatable passive-aggressiveness and vanity to them. So I usually take them down — but the impression they’ve left, the taste of their venins and noxious moods remains with me like a stain, and I feel as if everyone has seen them, and is annoyed with me like I am annoyed with myself.
It bothers me because sometimes, the quality of the ideas that I end up generating in response to whatever it is that I’m frustrated with are good; I do some of my best work when cranky. But the rightness or integrity of whatever I might produce never matters when it comes to the issue at hand. If you’ve been forced into ranting to strangers on the internet, that means you have already failed; whoever your intended audience is isn’t listening anyway. I imagine, mortified, the rolling eyes of everyone who I haven’t alienated yet, thinking to themselves Oh look, Hayley is mad at someone or something again. I know this, and invariably I still end up posting things. It’s a compulsion, I think: I have to do it, because it’s right… Because I’m “right” about something, and someone needs to know. And if the right person doesn’t understand, well — someone else might. Part of it is that I get a weird satisfaction out of putting words to injustices that have been too subtle to nail down before, and occasionally someone will have experienced a similar situation and relate. But mostly it’s just a vain, useless knee-jerk reaction.
Thank god I discovered the wonder of having a blog that mostly no one reads! …Facebag is no place for actual thinking, just puns and animal videos; also no place for personal vendettas that no one really needs to hear about anyway.